STRENGTHENING YOUR CHILD’S DISAPPOINTMENT MUSCLE
Ask a parent, “What do you want for your child?” pat comes the reply,” I want my child to be happy.” Put it in some other way,” What do you want your child to be when he/she grows up?”. Again, “Whatever makes him/her happy” promptly comes the response.
‘Happiness’ is all that we want for our children. As parents, we have an instinct to provide, which makes us think that we are the providers of our children’s happiness. We love the smile on their faces, and what would we not do to keep that smile forever! Something we can’t tolerate is our kids feeling sad, discontent, or disappointed. It breaks our heart to see their dejected faces. Disappointment is the opposite of what we strive for in our children.
What is disappointment?
Simply put, it’s a gap between the expectation and the reality. Remember seeing your child when a toy has just broken, or when the blocks crumble down at the last leg, or when the child wanted ice cream before supper and was denied? Our children face disappointments day in and day out to our utter dismay.
So that our children don’t face disappointing instances, some parents would try to ward off any weed on their children’s path. There’s a term called ‘snowplow’ parenting for such parents. But are we really helping our children here? Probably we’re making things worse for them in the long run. Today the reason for disappointment is a broken toy, tomorrow it could be a rejection from a job interview… today we could soothe them with a new toy, what would we do tomorrow? The answer to this is instilling skills in our children to face the harsh realities of the future that may not match their expectations. In short, develop the skills to face disappointments and overcome them.
Disappointment is an unpleasant emotion, but not a bad emotion. In fact, it has been cited as a healthy emotion in a child’s intellectual and social development.
By giving in to the child’s desires every time, we rob away the opportunity to teach them valuable life lessons of resilience. Conversely, when we allow the child to be disappointed, they build the neural pathways to deal with disappointments in the future. The more our children face and tackle disappointments today, the more they practice this skill and are better equipped to face life's uncertainties. Such children are happier, confident adults who can bounce back after a setback. Having said this, I don’t say we need to make our children unhappy for the sake of teaching them to be resilient. Life will throw ample opportunities for your child to be disappointed, which can help them strengthen their disappointment muscle.
Role of parents: -
1. Change the way you view disappointment:
Do not perceive your child’s disappointment as your own failure. We tend to go on a guilt trip when we are the cause of our children’s disappointment. It is an internal fight for us parents to see our children disappointed, as happiness is all we want. We need to get it clear in our head that helping our children deal with disappointments today will make them happier adults who are confident, independent, and resilient with greater self-esteem.
2. Delay gratification:
In today’s day and age, where everything is moving fast and where pizza is delivered at our doorstep in 30 minutes, delaying gratification has become a thing of the past. Children also have started demanding stuff that they want right here and right now. When that doesn’t happen, all hell breaks loose, and disappointments are bound to be experienced. Delayed gratification is a life skill that can be developed, which is essential for instilling patience and self-regulation. This allows building the child’s pre-frontal cortex (thinking brain), and hence child will be less impulsive as he/she grows.
3. Saying NO efficiently:
It is unnecessary to tend to all the whims of our kids and make them feel entitled (this again is not healthy in the long run). But at the same time, we must not want to disrespect our children’s demands and snub them. So, the middle ground is to decline their inappropriate demand ‘gently and firmly.’ This will sadden the child and, at the same time, will not make him/her defiant.
Responding to our child’s disappointment: -
1. Allow your child to let it out:
It’s unhealthy for any emotion to be bottled up. It ought to come out. Likewise, disappointment is an unpleasant feeling which needs to be vented out.
2. Staying calm and positive:
Children are champions in understanding our body language and non-verbal communication. If we also get disappointed to see children disappointed, they feel miserable. If we barge in to save the situation, we are communicating to the child that he/she is incapable of handling the situation. By staying positive, we can model how failures and disappointments can be dealt with calmly as they grow up.
3. Listen and validate:
Listen with empathy to whatever they’re trying to communicate without judgment and acknowledge their feelings without disregarding them.
4. Share your own life experiences:
When we talk to our children about our own disappointing circumstances and how we dealt with them, children realize that disappointments happen to everyone. It’s common and nothing to be ashamed about. I have personally found this quite helpful.
5. Use it as an opportunity to build a life skill:
If the disappointment is caused by non-achievement of the desired goal, the child can be encouraged to retrospect and introspect what might have gone wrong and what can be done next time to achieve the expected result. Sometimes, things don’t go as expected due to sheer luck, for no fault of anybody… this pandemic, for example. The only thing we all could do was ‘accept and adapt.’ To teach my children this skill, I play board games with them where the number on the dice you throw determines your fate in the game. Of course, there are many ups and downs while we play, and I have noticed my children have become better at accepting defeat and coping with the ensuing disappointment. Lastly, encourage your child to rise and move ahead. Please help them to see a silver lining whenever possible. Cultivate in them a sense of optimism, the hope to find joy beyond the disappointments.
Parents need to change their perspective from trying to make (or keep) their children happy to becoming coaches who guide them to be happy or help them create their own happiness.
I believe that how we choose to parent today has long term implications in building our child’s character as an adult. Also, it’s never too early to start building life skills in our children…never under-estimate your young child’s capabilities.
